Scotty Douglas throws the labcoat on for some important research...
I’ve been conducting some important research recently. The kind of research that I should be paid lots of money to undertake. Sadly nobody with any actual money shares my enthusiasm for my worthy cause.
The world would be a much, much better place if I was paid lots of money.
Over the course of this study I reckon I’ve isolated a recessive gene in some human beings that causes them to do stupid sh*t. Literally.
Why, you may ask? Because I’ve been continually surprised by the amount of people that have confessed that they’ve tried pooing out of a tree. No, I’m not joking.
Okay, in some cases alcohol may have been involved. But it can be hard to comprehend the thought processes of a person that feels the urge to lay cable and then finds themselves contemplating a nearby scalable tree. But some people I’ve spoken to (including, startlingly, an ex-girlfriend) confessed that their motivation was simply the desire to poo like a bird.
Flying like a bird I get. Pooing I do not.
The results of this action are many and varied. Some managed to carry through with the act and expressed satisfaction with the results. The vast majority however either lost their balance and ended up depositing the results of the motion in their pants, or in some cases fell out of the tree and broke bones. Or at least beat said motion to the ground with less than desirable hygiene results.
This rather inexplicable desire can also be tied to another stupid, pointless and mindless behavior; the use of fog lights in clear weather.
We all know it’s illegal to use high-density fog lights when it’s not actually foggy. Yet I’m yet to speak to anyone who’s actually been booked for it. Considering I’ve had more people tell me that they’ve tried to poo out of a tree I think this speaks volumes about highway law enforcement in Australia.
Car manufacturers insist on taking pretty promotional pictures of their products with all lights blazing. People who buy these cars either think they look cool with fog lights on, or more alarmingly don’t have any idea that they’re actually on in the first place. Annoyingly some trucks are also equipped with them and many who are driving them have no idea that they’re annoying the sh*t out of everyone in their vicinity.
Why does this sh*t me so much? Because anyone who trundles down our highways behind the wheel of a truck gets dazzled by these glaring, absolutely pointless automotive abominations night after night after f**king night. They either sit behind you dancing in the mirrors destroying your night vision or they bounce off a wet road like high beams when coming towards you. Even better, the effect is amplified if that vehicle is loaded or towing which makes sure that the refracted light blazes into your cranium.
These lights are not there to make you look pretty, they do not make your d**k bigger. They are high density lights that are designed to illuminate the edge of the road at very close range to the car/Volvo/Scania/DAF/Mercedes Benz you are driving. And only in the kind of pea soup fog that you occasionally encounter in OZ. The only other purpose they serve is to help you be seen in those aforementioned conditions.
Or to publically display how much of a moron you are.
Yes we get some thick fog in Australia. I’ve waded through plenty of it, especially in inland areas. And I can see how having some lights that help you keep track of the fog line at low speed can help.
But, in this day and age where we have adaptive cruise control, automated transmissions, auto headlights, self-dipping headlights, auto wipers, lane departure warning and beepers to let you know that your blood sugar level is too low and your BMI is too high, why the f**k aren’t these pointless pieces of sh*t at least automated!!!
Countless studies internationally have shown that these lights do not help you see better unless you are driving in very thick fog at low speed. How hard can it be to automate the f**king things and at least take the idiot factor out of idiot lights??
A Mercedes Benz for example can tell if you’re tired by calculating driver inputs and will display a cute little coffee cup symbol on the dash to let you know you need to pull up for a breather. It’s a nice touch.
Maybe it could also detect when you require a movement and direct you to the nearest accessible tree.
Many vehicles now have an auto park function that helps you find a park and then parks the vehicle for you. How hard can it be for fog lights to be able to detect fog?
So as a result of my exhaustive study I can only conclude that if you’re the sort of person that drives around with your fog lights on you are also the sort of person that has tried to poo out of a tree on more than one occasion. You are advertising your ignorance, stupidity and love of elevated defecation.