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Scotty Douglas: Texting bays, why not sexting bays?!

From texting bays for d*^%head drivers, to naked truck drivers...Scotty Douglas lets loose.

 

When you spend hours behind the wheel it can be hard to maintain a positive outlook on life.

For example, most of us listen to the radio while on the road. Well bugger me if that isn’t a cheery way to wile away the hours.

You have a choice of boppy pop music that just makes me feel inadequate at my inability to grow a man bun. Classical music that’ll put you to sleep. Or you can listen to the news which only serves to confirm that the world is indeed going to hell in a f**king hand basket.

Don’t even get me started on talk back radio where ‘John’ from Cohuna is whinging about that state of the tan bark along the local shopping strip.

Bombings, stabbings, murders, car jackings, inept politicians and greedy corporations. What an awesome uplifting soundtrack to a day at work. I won’t even mention what’s on the UHF.

If it weren’t for audio books I probably would’ve gone bat-shit crazy a long time ago.

I can see the news report now; “A clearly disturbed naked truck driver caused traffic chaos on Pennant Hills Road in Sydney’s North today after wandering through peak hour traffic armed with a ripe avocado and a dead wombat. Police apprehended the man of no fixed address after a brief stand off, who claimed that, “The world was f**ked and he was going to get the truth out there.” He also went on to claim that the government was scanning his brain waves and that his urine could cure cancer. No shots were fired, however an officer was slightly injured due to a thrown avocado.”

Like a drug addict I get twitchy away from the artificial bubble I create by listening to downloaded podcasts and audio books. If my supply dries up I inevitably end up listening to the radio. This happened recently and the results were not good.

The Victorian town of Geelong is a town that used to be famous for making stuff. It’s now rapidly turning into an ice-fuelled socio-economic sh*t hole. Mainly because there are now no factories making stuff. Don’t smirk Adelaide, you’re next.

Over Easter at a council-run event for kids in Geelong, the big bad horrible Easter bunny at the event was forced to take chocolate eggs off kids at the egg hunt, mainly because there were a bunch of greedy little sh*ts taking more than their share of eggs. The kids were being egged on (sorry, had to) from the sidelines by their parents who were passing larger shopping bags through the fence so they could milk it for all its worth.

Cue outraged parents complaining that their brat was assaulted by a bad egg stealing man in a bunny suit. My faith in humanity is wavering.

Cue Nanny State Council response complete with apologies that also said the event would never be held again. There’s a life lesson for you right there kids!

Then I hear that both the Western Australian and Queensland governments are considering building texting bays on their highway networks.

ARE.YOU.F**KING.KIDDING.ME!!

In a country where it can be a challenge to find a decent place to park a truck, use clean amenities (you know, the ones without the holes carved in the toilet doors) and that aren’t full of backpacker vans and caravans we are considering pandering to a bunch of tech-addicted morons. The audacity of this is breath taking.

My vision wavered slightly and my head pounded. My solo protest on Pennant Hills Road suddenly seemed like not a bad idea.

It may come as a revelation to some that vehicle technology already exists that can block text messages and phone data. A Bluetooth-connected phone can still be used to make and receive calls, and that’s it.

If we are so concerned about drivers not being able to stop fiddling with their phones wouldn’t it just make more sense to mandate this technology in new cars?

Maybe if you get busted being a dick with your phone the consequence could be that you have to fit this device to your car like an alcohol interlock?

Or we alternatively we could spend a sh*tload of dollars out of the infrastructure budget enabling a bunch of entitled morons with no self control at the expense of….oh… I don’t know…..something like BETTER F**KING ROADS!

Seriously, in a country where the roads are rooted and trucking infrastructure is barely adequate how can this even be considered? How do these people think that their f**ing phones got to the store in the first place? By mule train??

Sexting bays on the other hand are a fine idea and should be encouraged regardless of cost. They just have to be truck-sized and sponsored by Tinder.

As it stands I currently have an avocado in my fridge, I’m north bound on the Hume so I don’t reckon the dead wombat will be an issue. Hopefully I’ll find a new audio book before it comes to that.

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